Hubby and his 'fixed income' — cheapness at its best

Shelley Terry

Ah, the joys of married life!

They say opposites attract, and Hubby and I are living proof.

While I’m known for my enjoy life and treat- yourself-to-vacations-now philosophy, my better half, bless his heart, takes frugality to another level.

Since retiring, he has mastered the art of repeating one particular phrase that has become the cornerstone of our financial discussions: “We’re on a fixed income!”

And so, faithful readers, I will treat you with humor-filled tales from the world of penny-pinching and the man who turns every purchase into an economical adventure.

I’ll begin with the grocery store, where Hubby transforms into a mighty bargain hunter. Armed with coupons, sales brochures and a laser-like focus, he prowls the aisles looking for the best deals.

Witnessing his triumphant smiles as he saves a few cents on each item is a sight to behold.

“We can’t pass up this gallon of thousand island dressing; it’s a great deal!” he says, heaving giant bottle into our cart.

“We’ll never use all that before it goes bad,” I say.

But my words fall on deaf ears.

At times, I believe his recent retirement has flung him into an alternative universe where everything revolves around our “fixed income.”

If I want to go out to dinner, “Sorry, we’re on a fixed income.” Feel like treating ourselves to a cruise? “No can do, remember our fixed income.”

Somehow, our financial situation is invoked in the most improbable scenarios.

Take toilet paper, for example. He now complains that I use too much per bathroom visit.

“You only need three squares,” he says.

I counter, “Three squares isn’t enough for a woman!”

“Remember, we’re on a fixed income,” he says.

When I wouldn’t comply with the three-square rule, he temporarily hid the extra rolls of toilet paper.

I started to get very irritated with Mr. Cheapo. You don’t mess with my toilet paper!

Next thing you know, retired Hubby is the new king of DIY. Why hire a professional when we can fix that electrical problem or refinish our wood floors ourselves?

Armed with an arsenal of YouTube tutorials, we now brave every home improvement task even if it leads to unintended mishaps. You should hear the way he proudly exclaims, “By fixing it ourselves, we saved hundreds!”

His latest retirement money-making scheme is selling camp firewood from our front yard. Every time he makes a sale, he brags about his ingenuity and brilliance of turning a few, dead trees into cash.

Never mind that he paid around a $1,000 for a log-splitter — six months no interest, of course.

As you can imagine, a day out of town with retired Hubby is never just a regular outing; it’s an adventure filled with frugal thrills and frills.

From meticulously planning our routes to save gas to packing snacks and drinks to avoid overpriced snacks at tourist traps, our adventures are as cost-effective as they are memorable.

He relishes announcing, “We’ve saved money again! Remember, we’re on a fixed income.”

I can’t help but laugh.

In a world filled with financial pressures, Hubby’s ability to save money is a blessing. Through his penny-pinching ways, he reminds us to enjoy the simple joys of life — saving a few pennies here and there.

So, here’s to Hubby, the king of frugality and the hero of financial comedy.

Disclaimer: Staff writer Shelley Terry assures readers that no husbands were harmed in making of the this column, and no “fixed income” excuses should be taken too seriously. Remember, laughter is the best currency! You can reach Shelley at [email protected].

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